It’s been a while because I had some “stuff” that I was dealing with.
If I’m been honest, I’ve been feeling lonely. I’ve suddenly woken up in bed alone one morning and realised that I miss the hugs, the kisses, the frequent texts throughout the day. My special someone that I could share life with.
In one session with my counsellor last year I shared that on occasion I missed him and I asked her why that was so when he had hurt me so bad. She explained to me that even though our relationship was highly dysfunctional and unhealthy it was still a relationship. Even though I was limited as to how much of my own stuff I could share with Pete, he was still there, he was always on hand to listen to the mundane things in life that sometimes make me laugh and sometimes make me sad.
I found that initially when I ended my relationship with Pete, I had no desire to enter another serious, dating relationship. It had been such a traumatic experience that the very thought of heading down the same track with another guy with the potential for more hurt and heartbreak just made me feel anxious and sick to my stomach. But then I met this amazing guy and despite my fears I did go on some coffee dates and opened my heart up once again.
However, this dating experience ended with the guy pretty much saying that he couldn’t date me because I had been married before. That’s fine, that’s a personal decision, but what really hurt me was the fact that he based his conclusion on a particular scripture in the Bible. When sharing about the incident with a few close friends I found myself creating a term to sum up his parting speech, – essentially – “He Matthew fived me.”
This left me feeling extremely condemned and like I would never be able to remarry and have the family that I so desired.
However, at the same time, I refused to believe what he had said. I refused to believe that other women in my situation who had come out of an abusive relationship could NOT remarry. We are worthy to be loved and cherished by a better man than the man that we have fled from.
I am embarrassed to admit that I turned to Online Dating in a desperate attempt to find the guy that I could settle down with and have children with. Hear me out – there is nothing wrong with online dating but it was the desperation that was unhealthy. I was at the point where I would have accepted the attention of any man so long as he showed an interest in me and my life. My recent experience had left my defences seriously lacking.
The short version of the long tale is that I came to realise that I was heading down a dangerous path. I was losing myself, and finding my identity and purpose in the affections given to me from someone else.
I had an epiphany one day – this is my life, right here right now. My happiness should not depend on a guy. I have a lot going for me, I have breath in my lungs, I have family and friends who care about me, I am loved.
It made me think of a refrain that I sang quite a while ago on one of my walks:
“A smile on your face that you can’t deny
The happiness you feel just to be alive
And the sun shines on your face
And the wind blows in your hair
The future stretches before you
And suddenly it seems near.”
I don’t know if anyone reading this can relate. I know for certain that I am not the only one who is going through this mixed bag of emotions. The ups and downs. The longing for a relationship but being freaked out at the same time. The constant feeling like there is a hole in my heart that will never be fixed. The confusion. The tension within. I know that I am not alone in these feelings. My hope is that in my honesty, others will benefit. I think we often shut our emotions away behind closed doors. I believe that true healing flows when we share and let others into our story.
Thanks for reading this,
from Christy xx