Courageous Woman 14: An attempt to look at porn and its effect on our relationships.

Something that has been on my heart for a while is about porn and how devastating porn addiction can be on a relationship.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about porn over the last few years. I was very naïve when I first got married. I never discussed about porn with my ex before we got married, I never asked him if it was an issue for him. So it hurt me a year into marriage when I discovered via the computer histories that he had been looking at porn. I was deeply hurt. A lot of emotions went through my mind – am I not enough?? Is the sex not good enough?? What’s wrong with me??

He didn’t cope well initially when confronted about it. He told me that he had been addicted to porn when he was a teenager but that he had only looked at it a few times since we had been married. He came up with an idea of downloading a free anti-porn program thing and I set it up and made a password for it. It became a taboo subject, we never spoke of it again and I thought that was the end of it. It is only now that our marriage has ended that I can see that there was more to it than that. It wasn’t as simple as getting an anti-porn program. (If only!) The ramifications went much deeper than I thought.

I never realised that our sex life wasn’t normal until we separated. This is obviously a very personal subject, but I am only sharing it in the hopes that someone may benefit from my honesty. I am sure that there are many other women out there who are also affected and are possibly unaware of the cause for it.

He would not do any foreplay at all, so sex was very painful. The more painful for me the more his enjoyment increased. He would pull my hair so tight that I would actually have to bite my lip to stop from crying out. Sex became almost solely for his benefit – I felt like his toy, his plaything. There to make him feel good.

I need to say at this point that there were some times where there was mutual satisfaction – but I would have to say that they were very rare. Usually he would be more gentle if we went away for the night. So each birthday I would pay out to go to a hotel. To me the extra expense was well worth it.

I didn’t automatically decipher that his previous porn addiction was the reason for our poor sex life. It wasn’t until I was talking to a close friend AFTER we had separated and I mentioned that sex was painful for me (bar for about 5 times!) and she was totally horrified and mentioned that after men viewed porn, they expected sex to be instantaneous, with no “warm up” needed. This was the first time I had considered that his porn addiction may have had more consequences than I had first thought.

It saddens me that our culture today has accepted porn as the norm. I have heard things like “every guy looks at porn” “it is a guy thing – they are visual people” “It’s everywhere – you can’t get away from it.”

I agree that we live in a very sexualised society. There are music videos that are pretty much pornos. It is everywhere, but this does not excuse us. And I say US because women are NOT exempt.

The latest movies that have come out – 50 shades of Grey, and the two Magic Mike movies are endorsing porn for women. And to a certain extent, Christian women seem to have accepted this as the “new norm.”

I did a lot of soul searching myself about the movie Magic Mike and whether to watch it or not. As a rule, I am a pretty conservative person. My close friends know that I have never been to a strip club or even a night club for that matter. But, as a newly single woman I did consider whether it would be okay to watch Magic Mike. And after a glass of Vodka after seeing Perfect Pitch Two, I said to my friend – “Let’s watch Magic Mike!” So we sat down on her couch to watch it and I must admit, I felt rather uncomfortable, though at the time I could not have told you WHY I felt that way, I just did. Well I lasted about half an hour and then my eyes started closing and I ended up falling asleep on her couch – alcohol tends to have that effect on me. So, I actually have still not seen Magic Mike. But the whole experience – seeing the first bit of the movie and realising that it was literally all about male strippers (Duh?!) I began to rethink my reasons for deciding that it was okay to watch it.

I had heard that other Christian women that I knew had watched it and this had confused me a bit and at first contributed to my change of heart in even deciding to sit down and watch it. But, having seen the first half hour and my uncomfortable feeling inside led me to do some googling around Magic Mike and what the perspectives out there were.

This led me to two blogs that I found really insightful.

The first is a blog by Sammy Adebiyi written in June 27, 2012 and entitled “Magic Mike and the Female Christian’s response to sex. In his blog he emphasises the fact that there are blatant double standards in our society. Where while women can go watch movies about men taking their clothes off without any reaction from friends/colleagues/media, if a movie came out about women strippers and men voiced their intention to view it there would be a very strong negative reaction. Women rights would get up in arms about sexism, objectifying women etc…

He also talks about how a lot of the emails he receives from those struggling with porn addiction are in fact women.

This made me think. If I watched Magic Mike, then how could I speak out about porn and how I believe it helps to ruin healthy sex in relationships and marriages? It also helped me to realise that I too need to be careful about what I am reading or watching. I have the ability to become addicted as much as anyone else.

The second was a blog written by Sheila 111 on July 4, 2012 and entitled “Wifey Wednesday: Magic Mike, marriage and Women’s Libido.” She outlines the differences between a man and a women in terms of how they view sex.

Here is an excerpt from her blog:

…for women, sex is largely relational. When a woman takes her shirt off at the end of the day, her husband immediately starts thinking sexy thoughts. When a man takes his shirt off, a woman tends to think, “Is he going to put that in the laundry hamper?” We don’t tend to think, to the same extent, “Oh, come get me, hubba hubba.” It’s not that we NEVER want to be taken; it’s just that what turns women on has far more to do with feeling safe, and feeling cherished, and feeling loved, than it does purely visual stimuli.

But she discusses within the blog that we are at risk of losing this relational aspect to sex because exposing ourself to porn actually rewires our brains! What she says makes sense to me because I know that at the current moment in time I am NOT turned on by seeing a picture of a dick or whatever. BUT, and to me this is a massive BUT:

IF I DO EXPOSE MYSELF TO PORN, THEN I AM AT AS MUCH RISK AS ANY OTHER IN BECOMING TURNED ON VISUALLY AND OVER TIME THIS COULD TURN INTO AN ADDICTION.

I don’t know about you, but I find this scary and worrying. This pic pretty much sums up my thoughts, so I’ll leave it for you to ponder. – Christy xx

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About christysarah99

This blog is for all the Courageous Women out there who have stood up to their man and ended the cycle of abuse for them, their children & their families. I separated from my husband in January 2014 due to his emotional abuse and violent behaviour. I believe strongly that NO WOMAN should stay in an abusive relationship.
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