Each and every day is a choice…
Do I get out of bed or just lie here??
Do I bitch and moan about my life or do I look for the positives (However small they might be).
I came so close to being over it all – the pain, the exercises, the daily dramas at work…. Everything compiled into this massive nightmare!
I walked into the room to see my Physio. She took one look at my face and said these words.
“Don’t give up.”
I went home quite cross to be honest. I was frustrated and inwardly thinking – I HAVEN’T GIVEN UP! I’m just accepting defeat. I’m being honest with myself. This is too hard.
Then I saw my counsellor and she was so positive. She reminded me of how far I have already come. She pulled the small things that were going well up into the light where they belonged. Suddenly I realised that I was actually doing a whole lot better than I thought.
She got me to talk to the “self” that was enclosed in the box, small and afraid. The old me, that I no longer have to be. The me that put up strongholds to protect me from the danger of an unpredictable man and home environment that could explode any moment.
I found it hard initially to “talk” to the old me. I struggle to act out things in front of a counsellor. Which in a way is quite strange cause those who know me well will know that I quite often talk aloud to myself (even if others are around).
But I made myself concentrate and focus because somehow inside I knew that this was very important. I needed to acknowledge the old me. I needed to let it go.
So I told my old self these words:
“It’s ok. You can come out now. You are safe.”
I can not even begin to express the change in my spirit through speaking these words aloud.
It truly felt like the first steps towards my inner healing.
I do not have to be that person anymore. I am not the overwhelmed, freaked out person in the box anymore. (Praise God!)
I proved stronger – I left that relationship through God’s help. There is no way I could have left in my own strength. It is the leaving that is the hardest part. It is much simpler, easier to continue in what is familiar no matter how destructive.
But by God’s grace, I have left.
It is behind me now – Hallelujah!!
I am not the same person that I was last year.
I am not the same person I was yesterday.
I am learning and growing all the time.
Each day is a new chance to start again (and to stuff up!) And stuff up I do – I fall and fall and fall again.
But it’s okay.
It’s okay to not be okay.
So long as I don’t give up!
So long as we don’t give up!
Keep putting one foot in front of the other. One step at a time…
I went for a walk today and got some stuff off my chest. My “jam” is Parrs Park and the beauty of it is it is a footpath track around soccer fields. So, once I had downloaded into the air my latest problems – I thought to myself, my next step is one step AWAY from that problem.
So I took the first step, and breathed a bit easier…
Then it was a few steps on…
And then, before I knew it, I had done a whole lap past the problem…
Then I did a few more laps just to make sure!!
Thinking back at it though, it is a good way to look at life.
Each step forward is a new step, a new chance to start again. A new chance to struggle onward DESPITE everything.
Despite the people who say you’re not good enough.
Despite the pain.
Despite the daily disappointments that are life.
DESPITE it all, I choose to keep walking forward.
Day by Day! One step at a time…
Remember: Slow and steady wins the race.
Take care of yourselves, remember that you are worth it – each and every one of you. Don’t let anyone ever tell you anything different.
Written with love, from Christy xx
P.S I want to leave you with this list of things to do if having a day that you wake up feeling a bit bluesy. It’s a very practical list – the things are quite achievable and bound to get you out of bed which is always a good thing 🙂