Courageous Women #20: Lessons along the journey to freedom

I’ve had a really up and down month…

Fleeting moments of complete happiness followed by nose dives into swirling water that threatens to drag me down and drown me …

It keeps feeling like I take two steps forward only to take four steps back.

When I get triggered, it sends me into this intense spiral, where all of these memories that I thought I’d let go bubble back up to the surface until my stomach churns. I feel a silent scream echoing from the depths of my soul and I want to run away as fast as I can.

I can always tell when I’ve been triggered. I can’t sit still. My head is pounding with a hundred thoughts all at once. I constantly feel like I’m on high alert, as though I’m just waiting for something unexpected to happen. I was talking about it with my friend this week and I realised that this may well be due to the fact that my relationship with Pete was very unpredictable. I never knew which Pete I was coming home to – the happy one or the angry one.

When I get triggered, it is as though somewhere deep, deep inside my subconscious decides that I am unsafe once more and that I need to go into protection mode. All my senses heighten, I become aware of every, single unexpected sound. This results in me being quite jumpy and extremely tired because even when I am chilling at home I am never fully relaxed.

trigger

I’ve been getting really down on myself for being triggered.

Getting frustrated that every time I feel as though I’m nearing the ‘other side’ I feel like I end up back where I started.

But, today my counsellor gave me a fresh perspective. She said to me that each time I get triggered I am actually one step closer to my emotional healing. Initially I thought she was just saying this to make me feel better but as we discussed the situation and debriefed I started to understand what she meant.

Being triggered brings the deep hurts to the surface and clearly shows me the parts of the broken relationship that I have not yet recovered from.

At the same time, it also shows me the parts that I have let go. Because when I look back, the same things that would have triggered me in the past are not triggering me now.

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My counsellor helped me to see that I need to give myself permission to work through these triggers. Slowly, and in a way that will enable me to feel safe throughout. None of that jumping in without a life line and then struggling to stay afloat.

I don’t want to just merely survive anymore.

I’m done with surviving. I’ve survived for years. It didn’t do me any favours. Surviving saw me struggling in a high stress job when it was obviously causing me burn out. Surviving saw me taking on more than I could carry in a relationship that was essentially one way. Surviving equalled me on my own, sharing nothing, holding everything inside and becoming physically and emotionally unwell and to what end…

No, I’m done with that kind of life!

I want to thrive.

I want to smile and laugh again.

I want to take joy in every single moment.

I want a life in colour, not black and white. I’ve noticed the world becoming brighter this year. I’ve been taking more notice of the small things… The single buttercup in a field of daisies. The water droplets on the leaves. The soft, puffy clouds in the sky. The rainbows stretching across the sky.

free 5

These are the things that are truly beautiful. It’s the small things that altogether, piece by piece make up this world that we call home.

So… I guess this is not the beginning of the end. This is simply the beginning of the chance for a new life.

free 3

A life where I am free.

Where I have permission to find myself triggered from time to time.

But when I do find myself staring into the black abyss that opens wide and threatens to swallow me whole, I need to remind myself that I can get through it. And more importantly, when I do, I will be one hurdle less towards being fully free.

Never forget – the best is yet to come!

 

Love from Christy xxx

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There’s a song I wrote that for me speaks of what living in the moment could truly look like and what it would mean… I feel it would mean that we would live full lives and grow old peacefully, knowing that we had left our mark on the world in some small way.

Lead me by the hand

to the bright of day

Don’t let go my hand

don’t let me walk away

I wanna grow old with you

 

The best is yet to come

There’s songs left unsung

There’s beauty all around

Just waiting to be found

I wanna grow old with you

I wanna grow old with you

 

There’s wisdom in your eyes

your eyes so blue

Your grey hairs show

that you could tell a story or too

I wanna grow old with you

 

 

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About christysarah99

This blog is for all the Courageous Women out there who have stood up to their man and ended the cycle of abuse for them, their children & their families. I separated from my husband in January 2014 due to his emotional abuse and violent behaviour. I believe strongly that NO WOMAN should stay in an abusive relationship.
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