Here we are in 2016! Wahoo! The whole world is at our feet, waiting for us to take that first step in faith, open our arms wide and embrace the future – whatever it holds for us!
In all honesty, I have struggled with the build up to this NEW YEAR.
I find that it is in this time, that everything that I have been struggling with this year, comes to the fore and threatens to overwhelm me.
Today I felt so absolutely depressed.
I had a night away with my mum and sisters which was amazing! We have never done anything like that before.
But I noticed that as they chatted about their lives with their husbands and houses and their babies on the way that I started to jump in with “Yea, that’s the same as it was for Pete and I.”
As a rule, I try to not talk about Pete.
I mean, I have spent this entire year of 2015 learning how to let him go.
And here I am, on a night away, and I am deliberately reliving old memories long gone. In a futile attempt to feel, if even for a moment, that I belong.
But instead, the very mention of his name has the reverse affect. Then I remember that in a matter of weeks I will be filing divorce papers.
Then my stomach knots up and churns and I just can’t face the world for a time.
It is such a big thing.
And it is hard to explain.
On the one hand, I am sooo excited that I am preparing to “LET HIM GO!”
The filing of the papers is my physical act, clearly declaring to the world and most importantly to myself that I am FREE OF HIM! That I am a FREE WOMAN once more!
With all that means for me – all my hopes and dreams! My expanding world with so many more friends filling the vacant spots in my heart! I welcome new adventures with open arms! There is sooo much light and life ahead!
This is truly my time to SHINE!
But even while I believe this, at the same time, almost simultaneously I am struggling with feelings of who am I?? What do I possibly have to offer this world?? What if there is no guy in my future – then what?? Can I cope with this??
I drove to Pt Chev beach which is my favourite spot. I went for a swim and cried and spoke aloud all my fears, my frustrations, my anger, my disappointment in my life in terms of where I expected to be by now.
And then I wrote this… This quite depressing but devastatingly honest piece, straight from my soul onto the page. I wanted to share this with you because this is raw. This is honest.
“Super uptight today.
stomach tied in knots,
Somehow New Years means so much to me
I feel unexpected dread and fear for the year ahead.
So unsure that I wil be able to make it through.
Unsure if I am stepping in the right direction.
Please guide my paths, Lord.
I feel sooo lost.
Finding my relationship with my family hard.
I think it’s because when I’m around them I feel like I have so little
No man, No house, No baby
OR remote chance of a baby.
And I don’t much like what I see
Fat, white, “chicken thigh” legs
Ugly, bloated stomach
I look at myself in the mirror
and I don’t like what I see
I don’t like the ‘man in the mirror’
I don’t want to eat.
I don’t want to live.
Let me DIE.
What possible use can I be to this world.
What can I possibly achieve that means that my presence is required??
Surely if I was to perish, here and now, there would not be any great loss.
Missed for a time, but then easily forgotten.
what is it that I bring that is of any importance OR significance.
I am easily replaced.”
Lies. ALL LIES!
But so destructive if allowed to take hold.
I actually had a sleep on the beach after writing this. Then I went for another swim and reflected some more.
I felt lighter for having gotten the darkness onto the page and out of my spirit and my heart.
This is something I need to do more when I am in this place of despair and blackness.
I need to reach for my pen and paper.
I find tremendous release in writing down my most honest thoughts and feelings.
On the way home, I actually smiled.
I took note of my surroundings.
There was a tree with beautiful purple blossoms.
It was like my eyes were open and I could see everything clearly.
The truth is that I have been so blessed this year.
My world has grown larger. I have new friends who I hold dear to my heart!
I have a family that I love and respect and who enjoy hanging out with me and me with them.
I have people who are standing by me and with me as I go through the process of filing the papers and I thank God for them.
Have a blessed night – enjoy the New Year celebrations!!
Enjoy this moment, this moment that has been given you. Hold it in your arms for it is precious.
This is our time, here and now.
You are needed, you are necessary. There is no one on this earth like you. You are the one and only.
There is no one or nothing on this earth that could ever replace you – Your smile, Your laugh, Your heart and soul!
You are PRICELESS – IRREPLACEABLE !
Never forget this,