New Year Blues: Flying on Angel Wings

 

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You know those moments where the world seems to slow down until it feels like it is on pause, if only for a moment, and then everything comes into direct focus? Almost as though you have wakened from a deep sleep. A rude awakening though, a sharp jolt that makes you cry out, not necessarily with pain, but due to the unexpectedness of it all…

I experienced such a moment a week ago when I had a car accident.

I had been feeling very blue in the days leading up to the accident. I had been quite suicidal.

I had contemplated driving my car off the road into the valley below. But each time, I had checked myself with the thought that probably the worst I would do would be to write off the car and then I would have to buy a new one.

I was feeling very anxious about life. Worrying about things outside of my control and far in the future, dreaming about failing the paper that I haven’t even started yet, freaking myself out over completing the divorce paper work …

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Pretty much just stressing myself out but doing nothing to allay my fears …

And to top it all off, I was trying to cut back on my night medication on advice from my doctor. But my body was not handling this at all well. I was barely sleeping and tiredness, mixed with anxiety and muddled with depression is not a good combination!

I admit that this definitely contributed to the accident.

It was a bad accident. The air bags deployed and everything, they hit my wrist, causing an immediate bruise.

Amazingly, both myself and the occupants of the car I hit were completely unharmed and we were both able to walk away from the accident.

I was badly shaken though, and a kind concerned fellow motorist assisted me to drive my car to the curb.

I remember the moment following the aftermath of the jolt from hitting the car where I realised that 1) I was still alive and 2) there was this awful smell in the air that was making me cough and splutter!

I then realised that the air bags had deployed, and that’s when I knew that my poor car was NOT going to be okay!

I think on reflection that it was the moment where I “awakened” to the awful smell and the sound of myself coughing that I realised that despite my death wish, I was still alive. And I realised to my surprise that I was glad to be alive.

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I remember thinking about the movie Twilight where Bella deliberately puts her life in danger so that she can see Edward. She doesn’t want to die. But her theory is that – neither does he, so if he senses her in danger he will come to her aid.

I realised that in effect, this is what I was doing. Flirting with death but not actually wanting to die. Believing that God would not let me die and therefore acting like I was invincible.

But in a heartbeat I realised just how wrong and flawed that thinking was. I am not invincible. None of us are. Also, I had forgotten about the fact that I am not alone in this world. My actions impact on others. My car accident had the potential to hurt others.

In a heartbeat I foresaw a different ending. A horrific ending, whereby my reckless actions resulted in needless death. And instead of an accident leading to my escape from this existence, I saw myself locking myself into a much worse end story – one of sentencing for manslaughter.

These thoughts were almost instantaneous, and yet I remember them as though my world really did slow and stop for a few minutes.

I can still see myself sitting on that curb by the side of the road, beside the carcass of my car feeling as though my world had ended. It felt as though by rights, it should have. It felt like the ramifications should have been more severe.

I fully expected the driver of the car I hit to come running at me, spewing a tirade of abuse.

Instead, his voice was calm and surprisingly gentle. He was concerned for me and my safety.

And so began a constant stream of concerned citizens, stopping their cars and taking time out of their busy lives to help me … Are you ok? What do you need?

It was unbelievable. I have never experienced anything like that before.

One man stopped and started sweeping glass off the road. Then he drove off.

A friendly neighbour came out with a brush and shovel and picked up from where he had left off. The neighbour brought my mum and I water while we waited for the AA.

Another man offered to help and said he would bring us a cup of tea. He walked to the end of the street and back with a thermos.

Over and over again I heard the words, God’s words echoing inside – Consider my love for the sparrows, and how much I care for them. You are worth more than many sparrows, see how much I care for you!

sparrow

These words did something, moved in some way, really got into the hard part of my soul. Hardened from years of abuse. Years of darkness. Years of torment.

They broke down the walls and left me feeling vulnerable and exposed but more free than I have felt for the longest time.

Free from fear.

At the same time, there was a realisation that death is something to have a healthy respect for. It is not something to wish upon yourself.

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Death does come to us all but there is no need to hasten its delivery.

Be not focused on death and what has been in the past.

Focus on the now and the things that come our way each and every single day to brighten our lives and give us meaning.

People are often angels in disguise.

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This song came to mind as I was writing this, I thought I’d end with it.

God bless, lots of love,

Christy xx

“I Have A Dream”

I have a dream, a song to sing

To help me cope with anything

If you see the wonder of a fairy tale

You can take the future even if you fail

I believe in angels

Something good in everything I see

When I know the time is right for me

I’ll cross the stream –

I have a dream I have a dream, a fantasy

To help me through reality

And my destination makes it worth the while

Pushing through the darkness still another mile

I believe in angels

Something good in everything I see

I believe in angels

When I know the time is right for me I’ll cross the stream –

I have a dream I’ll cross the stream – I have a dream

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About christysarah99

This blog is for all the Courageous Women out there who have stood up to their man and ended the cycle of abuse for them, their children & their families. I separated from my husband in January 2014 due to his emotional abuse and violent behaviour. I believe strongly that NO WOMAN should stay in an abusive relationship.
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