So, as I venture out into this New Year, bearing in mind the past year with its many ups and downs, I find myself feeling “cautiously excited!”
I’m proud of myself for how far I’ve come. It’s been tough at times and I’ve had moments where I’ve wanted to give up in despair.
But I feel like I may be close to turning the corner, shutting the page on the last chapter, or whatever metaphor best sums up what I’m feeling inside …
I’m close to submitting the divorce papers into court and I’ve pretty much completed the paperwork so that’s a weight off my mind.
But it’s so much more than that.
It’s almost like I’ve given myself permission to move on. To date again. To meet someone again. Maybe even fall in love again …
Time to let bygones be bygones. To admit that we all make mistakes, some of us more obvious and noticeable ones than others.
In my case, I have an impressive looking wedding album somewhere that speaks of another life where I was married. And a gap on my finger where there once was a ring …
I wrote a song soon after we separated entitled “Marks on my finger”
When I look at my hands
I’m reminded of all of the promises, all of the plans that we made
But all of my dreams, came tumbling down around me
Now all I have left
Are the marks on my fingers
The marks where my rings used to be
And the memories begin to fade
Surprisingly enough, I didn’t have marks on my finger for long. Potentially due to the nature of my indoors job as a nurse and the long hours meant I didn’t see much sunlight for the 2.5 years we were married. So the outward marks disappeared a lot sooner and easily than the internal marks.
My counsellor encourages me to “own my story.” And I have found this good advice. Hard, and very challenging, but good nonetheless.
Admitting to being separated but explaining it in such a way where neither Pete and I are the victim, but instead highlighting the fact that we both loved each other but in the end love wasn’t enough. Our relationship was unhealthy because neither of us were capable of standing on our own two feet on our own.
I needed to be needed and Pete welcomed my supportive nature yet did not know how to provide me with the care that I desperately desired from my husband.
I have learnt so much from this experience. I understand a great deal now about the importance of communication in a relationship. I have learnt that lack of communication is a big issue. I learnt the hard way that if your partner cannot express his feelings and also cannot handle you discussing about how you feel, this affects every area of the relationship, including your sex life.
But, I remain optimistic that having learnt all of this, and I’ve really learnt it after hitting my head against a brick wall multiple times, that I will NOT return down the same path a second time.
I have this beautiful chance to start over.
I am yet young – 27 years of age. I have my whole life ahead of me (God willing) and I am going to use it wisely.
This is why I remain cautiously excited about this year and all the new opportunities it brings!
Chance to meet new people …
New job opportunities …
Ahhh, it is super exciting!!
Bring on 2016 ! 🙂