It’s the beginning of the end
I scarcely dare to hope …
I remember writing these words so long ago, over two years ago.
And now I stand on the other side of it all – the die has been cast, the divorce papers are in motion with Pete being served two nights ago.
A friend asked me how I feel.
I have to pause to ponder.
I am studying today and on my desk I have photos of friends and family. Today one photo caught my eye. It’s a lovely photo of my sister and I on her wedding day. She is triumphantly waving her bouquet in the air and I am following suit.
I looked into my face in the photograph and thought, “little did I know that my whole life was about to change.”
It was a day later that Pete and I split.
It’s truly regrettable that such a joyous day should be marred by what was to follow. I often admit that my sister’s wedding was my favourite wedding ever. And it triggered my feelings that my own marriage was a sham. Our marriage wasn’t equal. Not even close. It wasn’t two people of individuality with life and a purpose, but rather a desperate attempt on my part to hold the other up. A self-imposed mission that was doomed from the outset.
It took such a long time for me to see what was going on and how unhealthy it was.
But once I knew, there was no going back.
Once hope has been killed, it cannot be rekindled.
Once trust is broken – more like ripped apart and smashed, there is no way to repair it once more.
Even our love I began to recognise was not truly sincere. We meant it to be, but it was muddled in lust, hate and fear.
I cannot dwindle in silence anymore. If I see someone in a similar situation to me, I must speak out the honest truth:
It is not your fault – it never was
You are worth more – you are worth the earth
Your worth does not come from a man, or anything you could ever do, be or own
Your worth is found in YOU
In the beauty on the inside that spills out and fills the room wherever you may go
It is found in your heart beat
In the strength that is waiting to be released
I would say to you
I do say to you
Leave before it is too late
Leave before you get stuck and ensnared more and more into the lies
that manipulate and trick you into believing that it will get better
The well known saying “this too will pass”
Has no place in such a relationship
Where you are treading on eggshells in the wake of the next episode
the next backlash of violence or cruelty that awaits you
in their next unsettled mood
that they take out on those closest to them
Yes, the episode may pass
But the effects are forever
The trauma is real
The scars bear testament
Both seen and unseen
And those unseen are the hardest to defeat
For they begin to form the very core of your emotional being
Until you get to the place at the end of yourself where it feels like giving up
is the best course of action
And you accept your place in life, this life with no room for air
And you slowly but surely suffocate
There is another course of action
Easy to say, hard to do
Again I say, Leave
get up and go
pack your bags and run
the further you get away the clearer your mind will become
I know this from experience
You will have times
where you long for their embrace
where you remember all the good times
and wonder if you’ve done the right thing
this is a normal part of the grieving process
You did love them
I loved him
but in the end, Love is not enough!
It truly is not!
I say with feeling,
with the knowledge that comes from experience
Sex is NOT enough!!!
What is needed is the understanding and sincerity that comes
from two people coming together and listening to each other’s heart beats
It comes from honesty
It comes from truth and being real with each other
But holding our own selves responsible for our actions
and not hiding behind the other
And then love, true love can blossom and grow
In an environment of two individuals coming together in equal union
Building each other up
Challenging the other
Listening, sharing, journeying together
This is what is in store for you if you leave
This is the relationship that you were made for
if you but hold on to the promises that have been said over you
before you were even born
You are worth all of this and more
With all my love,