It’s been quite a while …
My divorce came through. Feeling a mix of feelings tbh. Relief. Proud of myself for following through on what I started just over two years ago now. Triumphant that it’s finalised, it’s over.
But also, I do feel sad.
Sad that I had to go through all that shit to get to where I am now.
Such heart ache, heart break. Coming to the end of myself, and the world as I knew it would never be the same.
Whereas before I trusted so easily and had such an open heart, my heart is a bit more reserved.. A bit less hopeful, a bit more closed and shut down.
I have walls closed with doors that I have hidden the keys to, and hidden them so well that I am no longer sure how to open them.
People say time is the greatest healer. But in these kind of situations, the kind where something has happened that is so truly terrible that your whole world slows and stops and slowly turns upside down on its axis … like an Alice in Wonderland moment, where nothing is as it seems – in these situations, time doesn’t necessarily heal.
I have found that healing comes from being honest with a few trustworthy friends, who have seen me at my deepest, darkest depths of despair and have still stood by me and loved me and encouraged me.
Healing has come from learning that there are good people in this world. There are good guys in this world (I seem to have come across my fair share of assholes in the past two years though!) Slowly but surely as I observe and take in all the little things, the sweet, happy, joy-filled moments from spending time with people who have my best interests at heart, my heart begins to slowly recover and heal.
My good friend bought me a bracelet from the semi-colon movement. I put it on today and I intend to wear it for a long time to come – to serve as a constant reminder that “my story isn’t over yet.”
There are many more chapters to come.
One day there will be the tiny patter of my children’s feet down the hallway and squeals of laughter and delight …
One day there will be a man who will be faithful to me and who will love me whole heartedly and enjoy spending time with me and will not abandon me and who will treat me right.
I’m holding onto hope. Hope is frail, but it is still there, deep, down inside my scarred heart.
I want to leave you with these beautiful, life giving words by Victoria Erickson. I’m not quite there yet, but I hope that one day this will be true of me …
Much Love, Christy xx