I’ve been so tired lately.
Tired of being tired. Tired of second guessing everything that I do. Every text that I send. Every thing that I say.
Sometimes I wonder that if I’m so scared of offending people, maybe I’m not hanging around the right people. But I’m not sure if that’s just me overthinking and over-dramatising everything.
It’s hard, this world we live in, this life we lead.
Wish it was easier to navigate your way through.
That a clear path would open up right in front of you and that all other paths would be clearly roadmarked as “Unsafe – dangerous potholes ahead.”
Lately I’ve been trying to navigate my way through the uncharted waters of life and I’ve gotten a bit burned tbh.
Some of it has clearly been my fault. Throwing myself into new relationships recklessly only to realise that they never actually wanted to get to know me or be with me, they just liked the idea of me but once they had me they couldn’t get away fast enough ..
Other things haven’t been anybody’s fault, but are just a part of life..
I think in honesty, it is hard when a whole lot of shit things happen at once ..
I think that’s when you really get knocked down and it’s harder to climb back up.
Cause I’ve had quite a few really big changes in my life.
I’ve gone from being married to being divorced.
I went from being a nurse to having no job and then now I’m in childcare.
I went from having pretty good health to being constantly in some state of ill health for the last few years on and off – it’s extremely wearying to say the least.
All of these things add to my anxiety.
Anxiety around relationships.. A strong desire to be a gf but then alongside that is a fear that my past will interfere with new relationships. That my anxiety will kick in and scare guys away. A fear that if I do completely let my walls down and then end up getting hurt AGAIN, will this cause a wound too deep that may in fact break me?
How strong am I? How strong do I need to be?
It’s so hard to find the balance between maintaining my independence but then being able to admit when things are actually too much for me.
Lets be honest,
we all need help sometimes.
life is not meant to be lived alone
we are made for community
and to connect with others
we need friends and family
So it’s learning to be my own person but not block people out.
Learning to let people in and allow them to see the real me. The me that is at times messier and a bit more hopeless than I would like. But the real me nevertheless.
Cause at the end of the day, if we can’t be real with each other, with those closest to us, what is the point of life?
I don’t want to tiptoe around always on my best behaviour in case of rocking the boat.
I need to be free to be me.
This is what life’s all about.
Discovering who I am and then asking those around me to join with me on that journey of discovery.
And if I lose a few people along the way, so be it. At least I will be happy and at least I will know who I am and what I’m about.
Well, here’s my thoughts on a page,
lots of love,