It’s been far too long! So, I’m taking advantage of a quiet morning inside with the rain pelting down on the roof to pen a few lines.
It’s been a great couple of months for me – probably why I haven’t taken the time to sit down and write. Mostly cause it felt too good to be true. And I have had a bit of a seven week curse lately where it gets to a certain point and then the guy bails!
But, my bf and I are now past the 2 month mark and I am beginning to feel more settled.
It’s almost as if I have been holding my breath. Just like I used to do with my ex. I used to call it the calm before the storm. The Hulk would always come to mind. So many days since the last episode …
I am used to walking on egg shells… I am used to unpredictable behaviour. To shouting. To violence. To being scared and afraid. And trapped.
I am not used to this. It’s almost serene. We can hang out and talk shit for hours. And I feel completely safe. For the first time ever I can express my feelings and my bf doesn’t flip out. He listens to me – even if I’m wrong. We can talk about things in a way that I could never do with Pete.
I know you never should compare.
However, I have been through hell. So, I can’t help but compare.
But I have been thinking lately that I’m guilty of still holding on to the past. I’m still carrying it with me to a certain extent.
I don’t want it to haunt me forever. It’s not fair on my bf to get triggered and overreact to situations that arise in our relationship. He is not my ex. I am no longer back there in hell.
I have pushed past all that. And I am stronger for it.
But yea, I still find myself thinking about past episodes. Especially when I hear of others being abused. And mothers putting out protection orders cause their man has put a hole in the wall. And he can’t come home until he pays for it!
This just brings back to mind me and Pete and that last, huge episode that broke my heart and destroyed our marriage. And he never paid for that hole in the wall!!! And I paid for it, on so many levels that are nothing to do with money.
And that is when I know, deep, deep down inside that I am struggling to completely let go and move forward.
How do you truly let go??
Does it require going up to some mountainside and abiding in deep meditation??
Man, if it was that simple I’d be up that mountain yesterday!
I feel like I will get there. With each trigger as it arises I realise what I’m holding onto and it gives me an opportunity to reflect and remember that I am no longer that person. Pete has no further hold on me.
I am FREE! I am free to fly 🙂
And that means such a lot!
I can’t rewrite the past, but I can move forward to a far better future!
And I dearly want for my bf to be a major part of my new chapters moving forward!
The future is yet unwritten – but I have a feeling it’s gonna be a good one! 😀
I hope this encourages some of you that find yourself a bit stuck in the past – for whatever reason.
But I believe that we can make it! This is just temporary. We need to keep pushing through, past all that baggage that tries to hold us back.
It has no hold over us – not anymore – and NEVER again!!!
With all my love, Christy xx