How is it, that i find myself repeating history once more ? How is it that once again I have managed to choose a guy who when push comes to shove, once more didn’t have my best interests at heart.
Slowly but surely I am learning a very hard lesson that sometimes words aren’t enough.. Cause although he said all the right things initially.. when it came to it, we were most certainly NOT on the same page.
Deleted messages = broken trust, which lead to anxiety and stifled our relationship. I gave him a second chance only for it to happen again ..
Once trust is broken like that .. more like shattered into pieces like broken mirrors – there’s nowhere to go. Trust is paramount in a healthy relationship.
Without it, my anxiety ran rampant. I was afraid, afraid that I was losing him .. And the tighter I held on the faster he tried to run away.
He said it was all my fault, that I was making him the bad guy. So I felt I had no choice. I had to be the one to end it and walk away.
End of the day, I have to look out for myself.
I have already been hurt enough.
It had been such a long time since my anxiety had played up, and two weeks ago at the lowest point in our relationship I had an anxiety attack for the first time in 2 years.
That was when I knew this relationship was taking its toll.
From deep inside of me, my body was saying, “I’ve had enough, I can’t handle anymore.”
I almost couldn’t leave him. The thought of calling quits on our relationship terrified me.
The thought of failing AGAIN! This was my first relationship since my ex-husband that had lasted for more than six weeks ….
The fear of causing hurt to the man that I had loved so deeply and professed my commitment to over and over again over the last eight months…
And that in itself was so confusing to me – I had said that I was committed to the relationship multiple times. And I had been waiting for him to return the sentiment.
But I honestly never thought for one moment that I would be the one to walk away.
But after the hurtful things he said, and the lying and the lack of trust and doubts that crept in, I truly felt I had no choice.
My friend reminded me of my mantra:
Better to be alone than in a bad relationship!
It was not an easy decision to make.
Break ups never are easy. There is always hurt on both sides. Unresolved issues, things left unsaid. Regrets.
In leaving, I feel the most hope I have in a long time.
This is not the end, but rather the beginning.
I know what I want. It is just unfortunate that it took me another lesson in heart break to figure it out.
Apparently, I am not the world’s fastest learner.
I am hoping that by sharing my experiences with you, that you can find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone in whatever it is that you are going through.
Together we can make it through life’s hurdles. Two is better than one.
With all my love,