Too long, I have lived in the shadow of what has gone before. A failed marriage. Relationships that have scarred me.
And now my latest break up threatened to engulf me.
I started to walk back down that same path.
Letting it define me, letting it dictate who I am, who I have become.
My friend challenged me. “These are things that have happened to you. These are experiences. These experiences do not have to dictate your future.”
A fresh start is waiting for me, but it is up to me to choose to walk through that door and shrug off the bad experiences and believe that there is something good waiting for me on the other side.
That’s no easy task.
It is easy to let myself be defined by what has gone on before.
To see myself as others see me ..
Or at least how I THINK they see me ..
With the divorce tag firmly tattooed on my forehead ..
Someone who has failed at relationships, at life, at EVERYTHING!
Untruths. Lies. Deceptions.
But, if I let them, these untruths will consume me, and eventually, over time they may corrode away my self-worth and self-belief to the extent that they become my reality.
This is not what I want.
I gave up everything I held dear to get to where I am today. I had to leave my husband. I had to! In that regard, I have no regrets.
I will always be deeply upset that I couldn’t help him, I couldn’t fix him – and leaving him was the hardest thing I’ve ever done because I loved him.
But it was because I loved him that meant I had to walk away.
I walked away so we would both have a chance for the life that we were meant to have.
And I’ll be damned if I let my current situation and experience take away the deep sense of courage and strength and that knowledge of who I am as a woman that I felt in that moment where I made a choice that was for me and me alone.
In that moment, I wasn’t thinking of others – and what they wanted for my life.
I was thinking of me and my future.
And that is what I was thinking of two weeks ago when I broke it off with my bf.
And I need to remember that. I need to take a deep breath and say “Well done! Once again you’ve made a decision that will have a positive impact on your future. Once again you are doing something that will enable you to reclaim yourself, the Christy you were born to be.”
I am braver than I think, I am stronger than I look, and I am smarter than I know.
Unfortunately, life isn’t a series of smooth, straight lines. Rather, it is a series of roller coasters, each more extreme and seemingly life threatening than the last.
But I need to remember that although I may be in what seems to be a free-fall – I remain bolted into my seat. The end is in sight, I just have to be patient and wait out the ride.
I am learning that rushing and pushing ahead doesn’t do me any favours.
Better to stay slow and steady and savour the journey.
Breathe in and out today.
And remember, whatever it is you face right here, right now – it does not define you.
We are so much more than any experience we might face.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are not alone in this fight to survive.
With all my heart,